As I sat at a computer early one Saturday morning, two hours after I began my online visa application and still with a gigantic unknown as to whether my visa would be processed before my July 4 flight to Scotland, I looked at my boyfriend’s face on my WhatsApp screen, and said, “I’m not sure if you’re worth this.”

These faces are worth any visa hell, right?

I didn’t mean it, of course. But when I decided this spring that yeah, I’ll go ahead and start my master’s degree at Birmingham City University this September instead of next, I had no idea what I was getting into. And now that I have my beloved passport back in my hand, visa approved, with just one week before my flight, I am still grappling with the knowledge that for the foreseeable future, my life will be determined by one visa nightmare after another. Being a resident of a country I wasn’t born in is going to be freaking hard. But yes, it will be worth it.

The logistical nightmare started in early May. I had left myself no room for error- with a trip already planned for July 4, and the visa application window opening June 10, I needed everything in order on June 10. The major step in the process was getting a CAS, or Confirmation of Acceptance to Study, from BCU. I thought I would send them my documentation in May, for the CAS to be issued before the visa application window opened. But no. BCU wanted nothing to do with my paperwork until June. When I tried to explain that I had travel plans that required having my passport back in my possession by July, the international officer simply told me that BCU would start issuing CAS “from mid-June.” My new least favorite phrase ever. It wasn’t until June 8 that I was able to send all my documentation to BCU, to wait for the all-important CAS. But it turned out I didn’t even have a complete list of what I needed to give them.

BCU really annoyed me during this process. BUT, I’m still so excited for this master’s program!

First, on June 12, BCU needed my high school transcript. They’d never asked for it before, but fine. I was able to order one online and send it along that day. But the next day, instead of receiving a CAS, I received a request for my “final degree certificate.” The final transcript I’d submitted with my school application was suddenly not enough, and they needed my diploma. This time, I asked where in the process I had ever been told to provide my diploma. My question was intentionally ignored. Three weeks earlier, this request would have involved pulling my diploma out of a box, scanning it and sending it along. At this point, it required three phone calls to my university, a faxed form and $25 in overnight shipping (and a 48-hour anxiety attack).

The day after I sent the diploma, now June 16, I finally had a CAS. I shot out of bed at 7 a.m. that Saturday to fill out the online visa application. The super fun process involved me poring over my three passports, listing about a dozen countries I’ve visited over the course of 10 years (at least I didn’t have to list every single country?). And then in the end, the form didn’t allow me to make my biometrics appointment in DC, which I thought was the only place I could get priority processing. I made an appointment in Alexandria, VA, for Tuesday, but I remained in a panicked state of uncertainty.

When I started to breathe again

Monday morning I started by calling the national customer service line, the only phone number available for U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. Not only could the person not answer my question about priority processing, but she didn’t even have a phone number to reach the Alexandria office. I was so desperate that I called a friend who lives in Alexandria, and asked him to pack up his 9-month-old son, drive ten minutes down the road, and ask the office for a phone number, so I could call with my question. They actually refused to give him a phone number. At that point, you are going out of your way to make the lives of your customers/citizens more miserable.

As I entered the visa application center last Tuesday, I was so scared I was shaking. As the news was being bombarded with stories of families forcibly separated at the border, I couldn’t help but wonder if I, a native-born citizen getting a visa to study in a white, Western European ally country, was this scared, how did everyone else feel? My heart hurt for those whose lives depend on going through the immigration and visa process. When my own country won’t *let* me have a phone number for questions, and the UK charges more than £5 for an emailed question, it is a system that is set up specifically to not be helpful.

And now I’m signing myself up to go through this process repeatedly, because I have no intention of moving back. Well. Here’s to hoping the next round is smoother! And/or cheaper. In the end, I paid an extra $400 or so to get my visa processed in five days, so I will be able to take my sister hiking in Scotland next week. And now maybe I can finally chill out enough to enjoy this final week as a US resident….

Yes, it’s worth it. Ready to be back where my heart feels at home.